Yuki #2 (May 2020)
Three years ago, the year I started Paramind, I had a couple simple goals and an even simpler idea of how to achieve them. Most revolved around the age old ‘building a scene’ desire anyone appreciative of upcoming music holds deep in their heart. If I gauge off that notion whether my goals were met, I’d say I am utterly unsatisfied and totally disheartened at the results of three years work. I’d be a dizzied teenage music writer sad that his highschool and pre-college years were wasted on some grand vision he picked up from Lizzie Goodman’s ‘Meet Me In the Bathroom.’ But I’m not because I found something more special, and more cliché, than that. I found a group of friends that all loved each other for nothing more than the simple compassion and boundless courage we instilled within each other . Friends living on varying continents all connected through the rare positive power of the internet. It’s a beautiful thing.
So why does this matter? Why does this journey even relate to the incoming conversation? Because Yuki is one of my friends and I love him. But also, that Yuki’s debut album, ‘Be Free’, which just came out, is the summation and enduring testament to those friendships I, and the rest of us, have gotten to see blossom and strengthen.
It’s, again, a beautiful thing that I think anyone listening can find themselves being reflected within. Their own friendships and hardships that shaped their years of self-actualization are all here through Yuki’s own. He spent just over a year working on this project while also dealing with personal battles that varied between defeat and triumph on a daily basis. I, sometimes from afar and sometimes up close, got to witness this journey he went on as I personally embarked upon on my own; at the same time that all our friends we’d made through our art were as well.
This also at the same time that we all were travelling around the world to meet each other. Spending all-too-fast weekends talking of what our futures will look like if we just stick to our trust in eachother’s creativity. It’s a beautiful thing. This album is the tangible ‘thing’ so many of us will be able to look back on when we’re locked into a mid-life crisis and can, momentarily, remember the freedom of our youth and the blind drive for creating something special we all held collectively.
And again, this isn’t just Yuki’s story or my own or that of our friend’s, it’s all of us. It’s a reminder of the blissful moments surrounded by people who enjoy us for Who We Are and not being afraid to say I Love You with a full heart to them. It’s a synecdoche through one person’s life that expresses the whole of our own. The rare sort of, ‘I get you’ that comes once in a blue moon and stays for every crescent cycle after.
I, at this point, can’t say much more than how proud I am of Yuki. How proud I am of my friend for creating something so opaquely honest that will be there for others in the same way it was for him. I’m so proud of all my friends and hearing so many of them here in this one place is something that is indescribably transcendent. And I do hope that you (in this case you the reader or ‘you’ as in the struggling or carefree youth who hear this project) find the same reflections of your own peaks and valleys. Of your own trials and tribulations and all the lessons that come with them. I hope, through these songs, you feel you have a friend in the same way I feel I do, in the same way I know so many already have and will continue to. It’s a beautiful beautiful thing.
Some context:
Yuki’s friends who worked on the project all gave stories about their experience throughout this conversation. These anecdotes were recorded in a Minecraft server all of them share. The server’s tagline is: “a place where we break bread.”
After a quick conversation, this piece turns to a track-by-track detailing of ‘Be Free’, Yuki’s debut album.
‘Yook’ is the restaurant Seungjin’s family owns and runs in Vancouver.
How’s your day going and how have you been as of late?
My day was good. I've been chilling and stressed out about the album release. Even though it's making me panic, it's good stress. It's stress that will accumulate into something good.
It’s funny because last time we talked it was almost the exact same answer. Still the stress and questioning of the album as a whole. How do you think you’ve reconciled that now that it’s here and not just something you’re stuck working on?
The big difference is really the fact that it’s done now. It’s really my child and I’m so excited to share it with the world. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it's going to pay off, finally, whereas before it was very unknown what was going to happen. Part of that was also the fact that I didn’t really know what this project was until I finished it and could look back.
Right, and that the only way to fully understand the art and the moment behind it is to reflect once it’s complete and already out there.
Yeah and in the most literal sense I’m just working to understand everything that’s going on and can do that through this.
How long was it really in the works and where did you find the initial spark to chase the idea and see it to its end?
I was in LA working on an EP that got scrapped, but was also working on ERYS at the same time. When we were wrapping up, I started having the idea that I could also create an album of this scope and something really grand. I was talking to Luke and he asked me what I wanted to call it, I said I had no idea but he asked back: “why don't you call it ‘Be Free’?” I stuck with it as a starter name, but that was back in 2018, so it really did stick. In 2019, I started actually writing down songs that I felt where going to make it to the project. It was always a focus for me on making every song its own and to give them all the time they need. I wanted to know that track one is going to sound different from track ten because they were made so far apart and show the growth.
Even though it’s easy to label as a coming of age album or something about being free from youth, what other emotions really stuck with you through this year and up this point of putting it out?
With the album, yes it's about being free and relieving myself and what I thought I’d need to grow up and move on from. But, the main catharsis happened while making music and came down to a lot of personal changes I needed to make to find a better me. I was targeting the times where I was overthinking everything and being insecure with myself. But I realized the only thing you can do, when you make mistakes, is to be honest with yourself and learn the lesson and then move on when you can instead of dwelling upon it.
I know this answer knowing you, but why the choice to have Vancouver as a place be so emphasized on the album cover? What is about the place and your experience there?
I talked about it in ‘Drama Queen’ a little bit, but I had to go to Vancouver to meet my dad to reset my tourist Visa. This was coming to the time when my move to LA wasn't really working and sorta inching towards giving up. I talked to my parents about moving back and feeling non-hopeful. I was only in Vancouver for three days, but I met up with Seungjin because he’d been in a group chat we were all in and already lived there. We just had the best time. I fell in love with the place and remember the morning I woke up before going to the airport I was crying. There was so much stress for me leaving my situation for a few days to go to some other life. When I came back from Vancouver, I was happy and actually the week after was when I met Jaden. It was really the perfect mental refresh and my saviour.
What’s your favourite dish from Yook?
It was the rice cakes, and I still love them, but it has to be the Beef Bone soup.
There’s something so iconic about going to Yook. What other media and things in your life gave you that break when you needed it and just was there for you through it all?
A lot of 80’s Japanese synth-pop, which I fell in love with. I feel like it's very important to have your own ‘something’ you don't tell people about or something you hold close to yourself. Vampire Weekend was always important and movie-wise a lot of Studio Ghibli stuff. After everything in LA and just coming back to my bedroom, I found there was so much boredom from that stuff and not wanting to listen to new music and art all the time. Also, A$AP Rocky’s ‘Testing’ meant a lot to me too, he’s just my favourite rapper and I love that album.
When you think of the year as a whole, what are the most important lessons and ideas you came to gain and find through it? What will really last beyond the experiences themselves?
I think I know exactly who I want to surround myself with. Having spent time in both NZ and LA I got to find out who I don’t mesh well with. I do love my friends and the entire ‘Be Free’ team will always be a part of my heart, even if we don’t talk for a while. I'm definitely more comfortable with who I am as well. I feel like at least now, as a musician, you have to present yourself like a product and know what you can offer people. I know what I'm good at and what I like to show. I think I mentioned this in the last interview, but perspective is massive. There’s so many times where, especially as musicians, you feel like failing and like no one cares about you and you're losing it and then that overshadows all of your achievements. You have to stop looking at the massive pile of garbage on your own planet and step back and realize what you really have, which is usually so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
Do you have any clue what’s coming after this all or are you just totally breathed out?
Honestly, I’ve been breathed out for like 3 months now because mixing and mastering takes a while on top of release preparation. I've been working on another project and trying to make a complimentary piece to ‘Be Free’ which acts as a palate cleanser going forward. As well, with ‘Be Free’, I really was trying to pack so much into it, but I want to now strip it back and hopefully not take as long to make the project.
Is there a line or phrase you think that would really summarize the whole project?
There’s a scene in ‘Master of None’ where a man mentions this poem about a fig tree. In the poem, they’re sitting at the fig tree with a bunch of branches. At the end of the branches there’re different figs and every fig represents something like: family, friends or becoming a scientist or poet, but the person ends up starving to death because they can't pick one. ‘Be Free’ is saying screw the fig tree, I'm going to pick every single one I can and bring it into one thing, and then plant a new tree.
BE FREE
With the starting song you have all your friends featured and fully showing the scope of that connection. What meaning did friendship have upon this project?
I felt like while it was my album, they were the people I was trying to impress and make proud the most beyond myself. I was trying to get their approval on the album because they've been the most involved in my music. Eric said it should have a K-pop style music video actually, I just remembered that. Anyways, I'm letting them speak for me better than I could speak for myself and that's the combination of how we work on the album together and why it works so well.
It represents the fact that this isn't a solo project, it's the thing that all these friends and everybody outside can work through and a worldwide project that expands borders. You’re really rallying the troops.
We’re like a Be Free football team. I may get to score the goal, but they set all the passes for me to get there.
ON THE LAM
What does it mean to be On the Lam and where in your life does that song have resonance?
I had just bought all the episodes of ‘Adventure Time’ on Apple TV and had it playing in the background. There was an episode called On the Lam and it's about the main character trying to find his dad and his dad keeps running away because he doesn't fuck with him. It’s like, what does that mean and what does it mean being on the run? I wanted to make a song about running away from all my feelings and confusions. I was sick at the time and I made the demo on GarageBand on my iPad. That’s actually why the first verse sounds like that where my voice is all stuffy and tired.
If it really is an allegory for running away, what is it you felt you needed to escape and find peace away from?
I think a big part was running away from friendships that weren’t good for me anymore. I just wanted to move on. Times change and everybody thinks they know what's going on, but I feel like we're all like that. We only understand what we see. There’s no point trying to force someone to relate to you or trying to change who you are for somebody else.
Tom Verberne on ‘Be Free’:
MASK OFF
Ok, so what lyric off ‘Mask Off’ is your favourite? And not the Future song, your own.
“I try to balance this homework with million-dollar New Balances.” That was about getting home dealing with the new life that I had after being with Jaden. Hotels, studios, meeting celebrities, etc. And all that balancing out with homework, as in ‘trying to solve my life’ homework. That song was all about social anxiety and literally taking my mask off that I would wear going out to places. I wrote the song trying to set it so that you can imagine that you're at a house party really awkward. I just thought the name Mask Off was fun.
Do you feel social anxiety was one of the larger roadblocks for you to overcome to be able to be as vulnerable as you were with this project?
I feel like in school I wouldn't go to parties or meet up with friends or do certain things because I knew I was going to feel awkward and want to leave. I feel like there's two was you can handle it all. You can feel embarrassed and like you’re never going to enjoy those things or you can be like, ‘let's talk about identifying what I can do to make myself feel better.’ I feel like it was a roadblock but I don't think it’s anything to be ashamed of. I can still get better at it but I'm not embarrassed about social anxiety anymore.
SORRY I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW
I'm going to try to guess what this song is about and you correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like it's about on FaceTime you you have to click and say ‘sorry I can't talk right now.’
Yes and no. It was inspired by the FaceTime automated message and calling friends and them sending it back to you. But all those Facetime messages make up the song. There’s: ‘Sorry I can't talk right now’, ‘I'm on my way’, ‘I’ll call you later’ and “Custom’. And when you look, that’s the hook of the song! It’s really about admitting something isn't right for you and then missing it when it’s gone. Also, Maxwell purposely tried to rap like Gunna on it and it turned out amazing.
James Thorington on ‘Be Free’:
TAPESTRY
Tapestry is so interesting because I love it, but I have no idea what it's trying to say. I can just enjoy it for what it is, but it's also something that I can tell you put a lot of heart into. One of those songs that just is right at the important part of the hero’s journey.
Honestly, Tapestry was a love song I wrote before even being in a relationship. Once I was in one it took a whole new meaning. It took the longest to make because I didn't know what it was, but Tapestry is really about being ignorant. It often is such a back and forth song because it’s going between needing and not needing love. But in the end, whether it’s right or wrong, you may be ignorant and just stay because that person feels right.
Like a song about the idea of falling in love and the myth that might follow it?
It’s really just back and forth. Some aspects talk about just ‘holding onto something that can’t be true’ whereas others talk about the feeling where they ‘put me in the chamber and lock me in.’ I guess it all just forced me to look clearly at everything I was going through and feeling.
DRAMA QUEEN
Knowing Drama Queen as the Vancouver anthem, and in many ways a testament to your friendship with Seungjin that played into this album, what can you say of that relationship?
Seungjin is like getting stranded in the North Pole and that beaming light comes in and saves you. It’s like that. He’s a big brother that I have as a friend but also I’m his big brother sometimes. There's times where we FaceTime every day for two months but then others where we won’t even talk for a while. It’s the most stress-free relationship I've ever been in.
There’s something special about those Vancouver streets that all look the same.
I felt like Vancouver was this big football field that you traverse across on the subway and sky-train. It was like LA without all the bullshit that made it hard to be in for so long.
Seungjin on ‘Be Free’:
NEW KIND OF WAR
It’s so interesting with this one being the lead single that it kinda had a life of its own outside of the album. How do you reflect back on that release and maybe how it also pushed you while finishing the rest of the project?
It was very impulsive, but it was so different to everything else I had been making and putting out. It was just showing where things were going. I wanted to get this out so I have something that represents me accurately and also came around my birthday in Vancouver. To me, it doesn't feel as though it fits with the others perfectly, but it just is what it is and I did work on it the same time. It was just that chance to put something out and have it speak for itself.
MET GALA
Playing into the hero’s journey, this song is like that moment in Minecraft where you gather all your tools to go fight the dragon. What does that turning the corner moment mean for you, as well as the event of Met Gala and what it represents?
I was watching Stranger Things and listening to the new Vampire Weekend that had just come out when I was writing it. It was the first song that I felt I wanted to write like a sad song. I don’t like making sad songs particularly. When you look at the lyrics it’s really just about feeling so stressed and sad that you just want to sleep. But the follow-up after that is an epiphany moment. This is really asking the final questions very blatantly. Am I searching for closure or proof? And honestly I don’t know why I called it Met Gala, but it fits.
stupidrichkid on ‘be Free’:
OK BABY!
So with this song, nearly the end of the journey, do you think you chose closure of proof? Or did you even come to answer?
The answers are like, more questions but also answers. I’ve learned through this journey that being free is nearly impossible, that all you can do is try your hardest and that growing up you won't find the answers you're looking for. But you will find the puzzle pieces to make yourself feel like you're not torn apart and that you aren’t scattered. All the battles of life take something out of you, and you can let them leave forever or just rekindle and take that next step.
DARLING
So I guess then, what is the final sentiment? What matters most at the end of it all?
It's like when you're getting into an argument with someone and it's left unresolved and you're like, ‘whatever.’ All these songs are about stress and whatnot, but this is me owning it. I know things are tough and things are not as I perfectly wanted. But tomorrow the sun’s gonna rise and I’m gonna try to be a better me. It all comes in phases. That’s what the idea of going home to Vancouver is. It’s not even the place but the mindset I was in when I was there. Just the pure happiness of that stress-free state I was in. We always learn new things and go through things up and down, it is that superhero arc, but all you can do is have a good mindset and keep pushing through. That’s all you can do.